What can happen in the course of two phone calls...

I heard so much last night it hurts.

It seems I was mistaken. The time we met, it apparently wasn't for sex, and I turned it into that. Apparently.

Apprently he likes me, and believes we could build something.

It feels strange though, the idea that I, of all people, could create such an emotion in others.

Eery.

But him and I ? It can't work out. There's something in him that repulses me. A strange mixture of fake manly boasting, clinginess and a whiny need for affection. All I felt after our encounter was drained, not fulfilled. As if the aim of the weekend was for him to get comforted.

I know what I want, or rather who. I want real confidence, a real person, no faked emotions. But the two men I long for are out of reach. My best friend is halfway across the worl, and although I know for certain that I'll see him again one day, I miss his rantings, his silences and sidelong glances. God I miss him.

As for the other one, he's much closer, but that doesn't simplify things. Because he belongs to someone else. I'm torn between guilt and resignment. And fuck it hurts.

All I want is to lie in his arms, hear his heart beating, and sigh in contentment.

 

"All I want is a mirror, so I can see this so called brighter place" (Skunk Anansie)