Silence

 

 

Silence in the room except for their slow heavy breathing, not synchronised. Not asleep, but that sinking feeling when, after the body was so full of life, it is finally awarded a moment of respite.

"What are you thinking about ?"

"Nothing."

"How is that possible ? You have to be thinking of something !"

"I don't think - I'm just lying there, concentrating on my body, on the feelings, on the spots where our bodies touch..."

"Are you happy ?"

...

"Content. I feel content."

"Content. That's good. I was asking because I want to know what it's like when others are happy. That way I might know myself when I'm happy. I don't think I've ever known when I was happy."

More silence.

"What's your biggest fear ?"

"Becoming blind. I don't think I'd stand going blind. How about you ?"

"There being nobody. Nobody to talk to. People around me, but nobody with me, on whom I could bounce stuff, and maybe get an answer back. I don't expect people to agree, just... I think I'd go crazy..."

More silence.

Suddenly he gasps, as if he'd been underwater for too long, running out of air.

"I was thinking too much. My mind just never stops. That's why I have trouble sleeping, because I think so much. That's why I need people to talk to, because that way I'll know if I'm going crazy or not. So in a way, I'm using you. You're just someone I talk to."

"Yeah, but if I didn't like it, you wouldn't be here, would you ?"

"Hmm, I guess not."

Then the conversatin fades into life, her life, her past, his incredible insight that shows only a portion of how much his mind can work. He's impressive. He'd be brilliant if he didn't conceptualise the world he lives in. He lives his life fully on the instant and she envies him for that. However he doesn't seem to connect to the fact that one day he'll have to grow out of it, at least part of it, and switch from youth into adulthood. But he doesn't seem to believe in careers, jobs, and other adult-like things. Worse, he doesn't believe in time. To him time doesn't exist. The future doesn't exist. It's just a series of present times. Endless present times.

In a way he's right. There is only one earth, one place like this, and time does not have a physical existence. But I can't help think that I have to work towards the next few "present times", so that I'll be happy and have what I'll need in that place, even if it takes a little hardship in this place.

But make no mistake, he's had influence. Enjoying the moment is an idea that's made its way. And then there's the carefreeness, which could pass off, except for those eyes, a little too shrewd. Which reminds me that it's fake, as if forced upon him. But then who knows. She does, surely. Hope she doesn't let him down.

News from Pen ar Bed

Today I received news from New Zealand. Aidan sent me an email in answer to the one I sent him, saying hello and giving pictures. I knew he wouldn't write back soon. I didn't think he'd write back this quickly.

I was in tears after reading it, still am. But they're tears of happiness, as I'm now a friend of his. If you read on, you may not understand everything, but you may see the reason for my happiness. So here goes...



"Whats the difference between a duck?

An old joke that I've been telling since I was a kid - the point being that there is no answer.
It lives in the realm of "im not here for your entertainment - you're here for mine"

Anyway I thought I would reply, a month or two late, sure - but make no mistake. There is heartfelt effort here. (or possibly indigestion) The short time since you left has seen 'alot go on' as the song says... but true to form. Nothing really happens.

Paula comes back in just over a month now and as you needn't guess; yes - i am VERY excited by her return. But i have to constantly remind myself, that - like pretty much everything - this is the easy part. There's no choice in our current situation so there's no big calls to make (save for the ones to NYC), and no tough decisions to pull. It's when she arrives back on the 9th of August that things really get interesting. We may love each other - of that much im sure, but can we fall back 'in love' with each other? - Who knows? Effort and a bit of alcoholised dancing may help but nothing is certain.

What is certain though is that i've missed you.

Physical contact has always been big on my list. Im a hugger - and so your departure has left me somewhat in the same place i was last year. But also I have lost two much more important things. A place to doss in the city when im drunk. (doss = crash or sleep) And a friend who, having nothing between us (ha! get the pun?) allowed me to be really open and talky and just let loose. I owe you for that - its rare, and nice.

I got your note. You have impeccable timing and a gift for romantic style that would be hard found outside of the meaninglessness of choreographed pop-cinema. Yet its real, and you are real and that authenticity in the face of such bullshit that we live thought gives you extra credit. Do not question yourself up or down, merely sideways. This may not make sense now, and if so i doubt it ever will - it is just more of the amazing shit stream that is life. It is your job to enjoy it.

You are a wonderful person and I am only thankful for our passing paths. Feel free to write back, however this email finds you. I may not write back straight away, I may not write for months or years - but i will remember you, until I forget.

And then i will open up my email and say "howdy" back.


Transatlanticly yours,
Aidan "


Honestly, no-one has ever been as nice to me as he has been. I'll cherish this friendship for a while longer, if you don't mind...

Shall we...

 

 

... start telling our story ? alright then...

Aidan was a friend of the Austrian girls. He was in some of their classes.One evening as we were playing Uno (Fanch : "But guys can't do two things at the same time !!!") We got invited to the birthday party of his best mate, Ben. So tagging along with the girls and Christophe, I met Aidan. I'd already seen him around AUT, easily distinguishable by his gloves and spiky hair.
One thing about him : hyperactive, he says 3 000 words a minute, most of which you think is pure rubbish, but highly amusing. In fact what he says is nowhere close to rubbish, and the really weird things he says he's done, well he's done them ! I think that's why some people think he's so full of shit. I did at the time, but it was so amusing. Now I just think he's contradictory and thinks much too much, but I believe everything he says. But he’s still amusing !
Aanyway, I became the French evil accountant...
We went out a few times, all of us together. At one point Fanch told me that he thought Aidan was interested in me. I hadn't thought so, I believed that he acted that way with everybody, which he did. We hadn't become close as yet.
Then Fanch and I had lunch with him, we got invited to a concert in a bar (Pluto - good Kiwi band).
Then I stumbled upon him one day as he was taking pictures of the stairs (see album). We had lunch, talked about music, found out we had similar musical taste (Gomez !), and got invited to a concert. I saw him the next day to get the band's album, in order to decide if I wanted to go. But little ol' me had already decided that I'd be going, good music or not. The concert was 2 weeks away, and I was meant to give him back his cd at the birthday party (Fanch, Alice and Lucia) the weekend before.
The birthday party was memorable. I gave Fanch a painting of Rangitoto (a volcanic island off Auckland) which he absolutely loved. We'd been together to Devonport and he'd seen it there, so I went back and got it for him. For the girls I got funky sweets, and shot glasses with kiwis and sheep getting it on ! I love those glasses !
Aidan came at around 10:30 (yes, I even remember the time !). And we spent most of the evening kidding each other, and getting closer. To the point of walking to the club him holding my shoulder and me holding his waist. At one point on the way down I traded partners, and walked that way with Matz, a 29 year old swede. And Aidan threw "dirty" comments at me - "don't forget to protect yourself !", that sort of thing.
Anyway, I switched walking partners again - back to Aidan. And the conversation turned to Barbie dolls, Care bears (bisounours), and .... suckling.... Don't ask !
At that point I was pissed off with the French Girl Véro, who was being a whiny cow, so Aidan and I just ran off into the crowd at the club, and got lost / separated... needless to say I didn’t mind and neither did he ! So we just danced, sometimes he held me by the waist, but nothing much. Nothing much until Lucia found us and decided we needed to be separated. So at that point we joined the rest of the gang. To find Aidan leading me away 5 minutes later into the other corner of the dance floor. And then we started “dancing”. We never kissed, but danced very close to each other. Nobody ever played with me that way before, keeping me close but at bay at the same time. I wanted him so much...
At around 4 we made our way towards my place and the girls’ place, at which he’d left his stuff. And while walking home he told me that as much as he’d want to do anything tonight, he wasn’t going to because of his girlfriend.
Yes, his girlfriend, who was spending 6 months in the US, coming back in 2 months’ time. And even though they’d told each other they could sleep with other people while she was away, he was obviously having second thoughts about it. But that was fine enough with me. I had my fun, and he was being straightforward with me. Straightforward is good.
So we walked home. He asked me if he could stay at my place if the girls weren’t home yet – told him he could. Then we met up with the girls on the way home. He told them he was going to go home – asked me if he could still stay over. Told him yes...
So he came up after retrieving his stuff. We spent some time chatting on my bed, with his head on my stomach, until I got a crick in the neck and told him we’d go inside the covers. So I went to the bathroom to get changed, and slid under the covers with my back to him – well, he did say he didn’t want to do anything, didn’t he ?
Well he must have changed his mind...

In the morning, as he left to go to work, he mentionned something about us not having sex again, me not acting weird in his presence, though he did want me to go to the concert with him. I said OK, knowing that I’d just have to see later on. Try to understand what I felt for him, see how I reacted to being around him, and vice versa.

Well, that was the beginning of the month we spent together. And the beginning of the affection we had for each other. I’ll tell the rest later, as I think I wrote enough tonight, and that I have to get out of my parents’ room. So there goes, people !

Cheers !

 

 

 

A new beginning...

 

 

Tonight I'm starting this new blog as a sort of new beginning. Let me try to introduce myself first. Lucie, 22 years old, just come back from 5 months in New Zealand. An experience through which I've met a lot of people, some nice, some not so nice (like every where in this world) and some who are unforgettable. Maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic, but who cares ! It's been a week since I've come back, and I don't want to forget these last few months. So let me be melodramatic !!! I just don't want to let it go.

This stay has also made me realise that I might not want to stay and work all my life in France, if any of it in fact. Let's just say that in order for this country to be really enjoyable, the first step French people would have to take is put a smile on their faces and stop whining. Hummm, stop there a second and think about it. Does that seem feasible to you ? Naaa, didn't think so either !

Anyway ! you will have noticed two notes posted before this one. They are notes I wrote on a forgotten piece of blog, and which I find have their place on this new blog. They talk about this boy I met in New Zealand, Aidan. I was told I didn't often talk about sex, and that when conversations came up to that subject, I tried to change the topic. I hadn't realised it, and I know that it's true. I'm a shy person who has difficulties getting the words out there. That doesn't mean that I have no life, or that I'm puritan. Not in the least. But now I know that I don't do that with everybody. There are people I talk to about my love and sex life. Unfortunately not that often because these people, whom I think are my really good friends, are not with me today. They're just not in my school, or in my country for that matter. They're just people I feel so at ease with, with whom I can relate to, and most importantly who will not judge me.

This last thing is important to me. I realised that I myself have stopped judging and talking about people behind their backs. I' ve adopted this "I like you /I don't like you - it stops there" kind of attitude, where I don't feel the need to rant about the people around. Let them live their lives, and I'll live mine. This doesn't mean I won't help my friends, or that I need prompting to go towards people. I just think that "Let them live is a good motto".

Motto ? What the motto with you ?... Hahaha, aren't we having fun !!!
For those whom the initials WTF came into your minds - Lion King, baby, Lion King...

One of the reasons I don't really talk about my life is that I feel like I'm putting myself forward, and that people don't really give a flying rat's ass about my life. As I said, I'm shy, but I'm also afraid that people will think I boast, and that a certain jealousy will settle in, or total misunderstanding which will lead to judgement. And I don't want to be judged. Because my story with Aidan is extremely complicated to explain and can lead to many judgements, even though between us it as ever so simple - Koha - Affection...

Well, there goes, congrats to those who managed to read it all - not sure if you're really interested, but felt I needed to get it all out there. Cos it's been in my head for a while now and I was tired of not being able to say it. Maybe the previous two note can give a little insight on my relationship with Aidan, if you care to know. If not, ah well !

Cheers people !

Koha

The sirens are screaming, and the fires are howling
Way down in the valley tonight.
There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye
And a blade shining oh so bright.
There's evil in the air and there's thunder in the sky,
And a killer's on the bloodshot streets.
And down in the tunnels where the deadly are rising
Oh, I swear
I saw a young boy down in the gutter
He was starting to foam in the heat.

Oh, baby you're the only thing in this whole world
That's pure and good and right.
And wherever you are and wherever you go
There's always gonna be some light,
But I gotta get out,
I gotta break out now
Before the final crack of dawn.
So we gotta make the most of our one night together
When it's over, you know,
We'll both be so alone.

Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
When the night is over, like a bat out of hell,
I'll be gone, gone, gone.
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
But when the day is done
And the sun goes down
And the moonlight's shining through.
Then like a sinner before the gates of
Heaven
I'll come crawling on back to you.

I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver-black phantom bike.
When the metal is hot, and the engine is hungry
And we're all about to see the light.
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole,
And everything is stunted and lost.
And nothing really rocks, and nothing really rolls,
And nothing's ever worth the cost.

Well I know that
I'm damned if
I never get out,
And maybe
I'm damned if I do,

But with every other beat
I've got left in my heart,
You know
I wanna be damned with you.
If I gotta be damned, you know
I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you
Well if I gotta be damned, you know
I wanna be damned,
Gotta be damned, you know
I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned, you know
I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night,
Dancing through the night,
Dancing through the night with you

Well I can see myself tearing up the road
Faster than any other boy has ever gone.
And my skin is raw, but my soul is ripe,
And no one's gonna stop me now,
I'm gonna make my escape.
But I can't stop thinking of you,
And I never see the sudden curve until it's way too late.
And I never see the sudden curve until it's way too late.

Then I'm down in the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun,
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike,
And
I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell.
And the last thing
I see is my heart, still beating,
Breaking out of my body and flying away
Like a bat out of hell.

Then
I'm down in the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun,
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike,
And
I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell.
And the last thing
I see is my heart,
Still beating..still beating...
Breaking out of my body, and flying away
Like a bat out of hell
Like a bat out of hell
Like a bat out of hell...
Like a bat out of hell
Like a bat out of hell
Like a bat out of hell........



Well, that was my last night with him. It was a nice night as well. Not only the night but also the evening. There was a sort of intimacy between us. Like two friends who know they can touch each other because it feels good and right, right mostly, and that it is also inconsequential. Inconsequential because I'm leaving.

It's been nice just being with him. Because I just am. He's a friend, or at least if not a friend, somebody who's not judging me, just as I don't judge him, unlike other people who've been introduced to him. When we're together we're just together, not trying to impress each other. Because I've understood that I don't have to impress anyone in order to have their affection. I just need to be myself. And I think I've gotten his affection, just as he has mine. He's been very friendly to me, shown me, though I don't think he realises it, that I can do so many more things. I can live a little more, and more intensely, but he isn't the only person that has made me realise that.

This whole trip has been such a good experience. It had been such a long time that I hadn't gone out with a guy after Christophe. I think it was necessary, just to become myself again. And I went out with Karl in the Globe. That was nice. Set me back on the tracks. And then there was Aidan, who's struggling between his love for his girlfriend, her absence, and his need for woman companionship. I'm glad that he chose me to accompany him for a little while.

After the first night with him, I thought that maybe I had become one of those sluts, doing the one night stand and not giving a damn. But it wasn't that way with Aidan. Because it wasn't a one night stand. We were keeping each other company. He made me understand that I can be desirable. I may not be a beauty queen, but I'm a nice person, "Fun", and very Fuckable !!! :D

The reality check happened last weekend at the Globe, when Sangeeta went off into her little corner and I started dancing with this bresilian guy. It got hot really quickly, and I left him after a while. That's not who I am. I don't pull guys in clubs to have sex with them afterwards, without even knowing their names ! At one point I thought I might have been able to, but that's not the point. I don't want to ! I want to know the person I sleep with. Even if not much, at least know I can have a conversation with him. And the fact that he wants to know my name is important as well. Shows that I'm not a vagina on legs, but an actual person. I thought sex was unimportant and could be taken for granted just because I happened to like it. But it's not true. Most of the times it should be shared with someone important to you. Because it's special. Because he's special. And I wish him all the best, because he needs it and deserves it. I'm not sure I'll be able to say all this to him face to face, because in the state I'm in I break down in tears. And I'm afraid he'd mistake the tears for something more than just affection, something closer to Love. Which I don't feel for him. I'm afraid he wouldn't see that Goodbyes are just so fucking difficult for me, especially to someone who holds a special place in my heart. So I'll do the disguting thing of writing an email to him, or maybe a letter. He might appreciate that more.

Well, I think it's time for me to go to bed and nurse my cold... and weep a bit more...

Damn it was good... great... awesome... unforgettable...

Dreams...

Well, that was nice…



Going over it, I’m realising it was all as it should be. No feelings involved, neither before, nor after. Please God, not after. It would make things so difficult. But so far nothing. Not even that tingly feeling in your stomach, the one that stops you from eating, or makes itself so present that you just can’t ignore it, and have to remember. But that doesn’t stop me from remembering either. I like remembering.

I wasn’t expecting it. But then again I was. I didn’t think it’d go that far. But then again I did want to. And then again it’s him. It had to go that far if it was to go anywhere at all. Playful, making me bothered, but bolder. From the beginning I knew it was going to be. But then again something made me think that it wouldn’t. So I wasn’t anxious. Never was, makes me feel strange. I’ve gone past a stage. I’m the kind of person who does that now… Good. Wanted that for a long time, and I’m happy with… the experience, me, my attitude and feelings – or lack of. Damn, this is good. Liberating.

I somehow feel grand. I’m not cowering anymore. People can go to hell for all I care now – no more judging me.

This is mine. No one else’s. And so perfect…

Thanks to the freelancer for being mine to hire for the night…